No desire to shop

Well as I start 25 wks of pregnancy, I am getting fat. I mean I am fat, have been fat since I was 14 and weighed more than I do now last year. But I am starting to feel “fat”. When I was heavier, I think I just accepted who I was and did not let it get to me (too much, OK I tried). I lost the 65 lbs and was feeling pretty good about myself. Now I am just starting to feel fat. I have lost 5 lbs with the pregnancy, but I can guarantee next Dr. appt – I will have gained that back and more. Even clothes hold no appeal – that’s big for me – HUGE! I have lost the desire to shop (insert sob here). I guess I am having a Julia Roberts “Pretty Woman” moment!

Gloom, despair and agony on me….and my credit cards.

I realize - I have no friends....

Now that motherhood is approaching, I find that I have no friends that are local. What do I mean – well during high school and college, I had a plethora of friends. In college, I could be out with friends any given night. When I moved to grad school, that shifted some – but I still was a pretty busy person. Now, when I moved out here and got married – that is when things started to change and I am not sure why.

I think in the beginning I was just trying to get used to being completely away from all my family and friends. Then I was getting used to being a wife. I spent most of my time with my husband and his parents. As I moved into a new job, many of the people were older and I did not have a lot in common. I did meet someone who I consider to be one of my best friends, but that is about it – 5 yrs at one company and only 1 real “friend.”

At the next job, I pretty much was alone in my department – so no friends there. At the next job, things picked up a bit and I stay in touch with 2 people from that job, since I was only there 4 months- I find that pretty good. At the current job, I don’t see any real possibility of making a “connection”

I know MIL wants to do a shower – but I am thinking – who the heck would I invite – I really have no friends in the area. How sad will it be to sit around with my MIL and like 2 other people – that is so pathetic. I am still trying to figure out what happened to me – when I become anti-social. Don’t get me wrong, I am always busy – I usually just hang out with DH or his family. Hey I like my MIL and FIL – sue me. I was very lucky in that department.

I am so glad that a DH’s friend may be moving back to that area and he brings his wife, Heather. Heather and I did not get too much time to bond while they were here, but we have been keeping in touch – so I am hopeful we can move our friendship to another level – one where we hang out W/O the husbands..hahaha!

What happened to me is all I want to know….

MEETING WITH THE BOSS - BIG NEWS

I had a big meeting scheduled today - after being over an hour late - I finally got a few minutes.

Well – the mtg went better than I expected.

Just to let you know, I will be taking some short term disability in April for about 6-8 wks. Why, you ask…yeah – you guessed it…going to squeeze out a baby boy!

Well – he seemed to take it well and suggested if we could move up the delivery to the next few weeks – and then rest up for a month, it would be better for the projects in 2006. He said, you can plan a C section right? HAHA! He does this to me all the time – last week he said I was being moved to our Richmond office when I asked about our office move. He said “Thanks for the heads up and congratulations”

So I was stressed – now I still have to tell one of the guys I work with – who is not technically my manager – he might not take it as well – he is single, over 40 with no kids. Technically – he is not my boss though!

I am still worried about my job – but at least it’s out there now.

Past self was a packrat!

Well – we are still waiting to hear about our contract…Customer is coming over tomorrow to “talk” – not sure what that means. But we have submitted 4 or 5 proposals in the last few months. I am still trying to drum up some business in other areas – even though I don’t think I will be very successful.

Anyhow – we are doing the massive CLEAN the HOUSE before MOM arrives. We have been working on this for week’s – yes our house needs that much work. Why you ask – well for about the last 2 yrs we sort of stopped caring. Now don’t get me wrong – we are not a candidate for Clean Sweep (junky) or Clean House (downright filthy) – we just have tons and tons of clutter. Also, our past selves have worked against us by “storing” things away in boxes, bins – whatever. We are taking the time to actually clean all of these little crap piles that are hiding around the house and in our garage. It’s still a work in progress and we have a deadline, so we have to get it done…but I don’t think the house will be this clutter free/clean since we moved in!

Poor Marc is “labor” – I sort – he carries. I have the easy job, he goes to bed aching. I go to bed exhausted, but in a different way. But it will all be worth it – new flooring for Xmas, some new furniture …it’s all good. Even though I am feeling very overwhelmed!

PANIC

The effects of the allergic reaction are starting to wear off – finally. I am able to move pretty well and have only had a few flare-ups. I am reducing the steriod – which can cause extreme fatigue and more flare-ups.

Right now, I am dealing with an old friend of mine – Anxiety attacks. I have a lot – a lot of stress in my life right now. I am currently very very concerned about my J-O-B. It seemed when I was hired – there was a ton of work. Now, we are waiting for contracts and for some reason…My mgr thinks I am a sales person, who need to drum up some contracts. I am a Program/Project Mgr – not a sales mgr. Plus, I don’t even know about 90% of the contracts we have going on.

Well, let’s just say I am terrified of getting laid off again this year – since right now, I make the most money. In addition – It’s not the best time for me to even look for a job (more about that in a few wks).
So my panic attacks are back. They start simple – I worry and then my heart races. It usually ends up with me shaking, breathless and ill.

I am at a point where I just don’t know what to do.

Still in Pain -Feeling like a MLB player...

Well Tuesday I was feeling better, but started to swell up terribly that night. Ended up back at Dr’s on Wednesday – barely able to move. DH had to dress me and drive me around. I was put on a stronger, longer lasting steroid since I was swollen like a balloon. I managed to work Wednesday by typing with one finger on my left hand.

The new steroids have started to make a small difference, but I am still in a lot of pain. Going to NYC tomorrow- that should be fun…NOT!

Antibiotics are EVIL!

Well the last few weeks have been a living hell! First, I get a very serious sinus infection. I spent about 5 days with a fever going from 100 to 102.7 off and on. I ended up in the ER at 3:45 a.m. when my temp went over 103. I was told that it’s just a sinus infection, so take the antibiotics. We got some other potentially bad news on Tuesday, November 8th that caused me a lot of stress. Well on Wednesday, I started getting little red hives on my chest. I figured it was stress and I had gotten really warm.

On Thursday, November 10th – more stressful news about our office eventually moving to Nova – that’s when I noticed the red blotches had moved on to my arms. Come Friday – I had red hives on my back, chest, arms, one leg and my stomach. My back and arm itched like there was no tomorrow. I also noticed that my left shoulder really hurt. Figuring I had slept on it funny – I did not think anything of it.

Come Saturday – I had more hives and my other leg had broken out. I was taking Benedryl every 4 hours, oatmeal baths and was covered in every cream that we could find at the drugstore. The ones on my arms and chest started to not be so raised and itchy. My back was still bothering me and my other shoulder now hurt. Well I finally make it Sunday and that’s when all hell broke lose. The places that had started to heal now got little raised bumps that itched like crazy. All my joints started to hurt and swell. Marc got me wrist braces, since my wrists were really swollen. I was thinking I had LUPUS or an RA attack – of which I don’t think I have either – I was grasping at straws. I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep, eat, or get any relief. I think I prayed for God to take me home a few times. I was running DH crazy as well, since nothing seemed to help.

Finally about 4 am on Monday morning – a baking soda pack, Claritin-D and Benedryl allowed me to get about 3 hours sleep. My joints were even more sore – now even my toes hurt. I went to the Dr. yesterday about 2:30 – to find out – I was ALLERGIC TO THE ANTIBIOTIC that I was given for the sinus infection. I had taken this kind before with no reaction – but low and behold – I now have an allergy. I am experiencing an auto-immune reaction. This means my immune system is attacking my joints to rid itself of the “invader” – I feel like I am 95. I am on steroids, but it will take a few days to start to work. I actually slept for a 4 hrs straight last night – which is something I had not done in well over a week.

I am still very sore and can barely move. My throat is so sore, I can barely swallow – but I am just happy to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Lestat is dead!

This news is very sad to me – I recently found out my dear and dark writer of vampire tales has found God. That’s right – Anne Rice is now writing religious fiction based on the life of Jesus Christ!

Anne Rice or A. N. Roquelaure has written 25 creepy and super-natural books over the years – my fave’s being the Vampire chronicles. Yes, when in New Orleans - I went to find Lestat’s tomb and stood outside her home…that’s as far I go though. I do own the Vampire Chronicles dictionary to help you get through the series. I loved the movie (not Queen of the Damned though – that sucked) and most likely will drag the husband to see Lestat on Broadway.

While I am very happy Anne is healthy and starting to deal with her illness and the death of Stan – a part of me is saddened that there will be no more books that I will have to hide from my mother (she would NOT approve).

I am lucky- there are a few series and books I have not read yet. The jury is still out on her new religious series – not because I don’t like religious books (I am a grad of ORU for pete’s sake) but because so far – it seems boring!

Oh Anne – my vampire soul weeps for you. Come back our dark mistress of the underworld.

MSNBC Article

MONEY - Its Sucks.

1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

So I begin today with a scripture from the Bible. I often think about this scripture when I am feeling “poor” – mind you I have been “poor”. There have been days in my past where I had to skip meals for lack of flow to purchase food, but I have not really lived in poverty. I have seen poverty on foreign trips.

That’s not what I wanted to speak about though – My rant today is why does crap cost so much and why do I feel the need to buy it/have it?

We recently had to invest in a little larger car. I am cheap or frugal, whatever you want to call me. Of course, I picked out a very reliable, economic car. Luckily, it is nearly new (nice), but yet I actually got red and flushed waiting to sign the papers –why- $ Money! I will talk myself in and out of purchases to save money, yet if my hubby wants it…I try to get it for him. Why is this? I have no idea.

My spouse and I make about the same, we both have Master’s degrees- but somehow I don’t think of it as “my money.” My best friend and her spouse make more money, live in a larger home and drive more expensive cars – do I get jealous – OF COURSE! I hate knowing I worked so hard to get to my Masters (hubby too) and it seems we still have the same lifestyle, yet we make a bit more money. Sigh….

The bottom line is that I need to learn to live a more simplified, cheaper lifestyle. In this area, how does one do this and not feel like a total loser?

MOVE OVER!

Well it has been awhile since I have posted - working 14 hour days takes up a lot of time.


I thought I would rant today about Starbucks! While I do love my morning Java, it’s the people who frequent the ‘Bucks that have me in a huff. Why Oh Why Can’t they MOVE OVER! You order and stand to the side of the bar – but NOOOOOO most people decide the barista will work faster if they hover in everyone's way. So when your drink is called, they are in your way. What about the coffee station area -with the sugar, creamer and etc. People love to stand in the middle here as well. HEY IDIOT -MOVE OVER to the SIDE for OTHER PEOPLE CAN FIX THEIRCCOFFEEOFFEEE! I especially love the people who sprinkle a little cinnamon, stir and taste- OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You would think they know how much to sprinkle!

OK, I am going back to my coffee now..................

Sale O The Century!

We acquired this lovely yellow occasional chest at the MasterCraft Warehouse sale for over 50% off original price!

Great deal! I love to share in a good deal. Alas it was the last one and I was beating people away with a stick!

Let's stop the discrimination!

I may not be a minority, but I know discrimination! I think its finally time to talk about something near and dear to my heart. The way fat people are treated. As a voluptuous diva myself, I have faced criticism for my size. Even after losing over 60lbs recently, I am still very much "fat" .I, think the thing that bothers people is that I am with who I am. Do I want lose more weight – Yes, I do. Will it change who I am - NO!

I started packing on weight about 12/13. Now, my mother is overweight and she assumed that my life would be over if I gained weight. The answer was to make comments like "your butt looks like the broad side of a barn in that dress. She thought this would make me eat less, lose weight instead it only made me angry, and want to eat more. In fact, I was bulimic on and off for about 7 years. When I told her this, her response was “You were not, you were never skinny enough.” Oh yes, I was and it was the only thing at the time that helped me maintain some sanity. I gave up that lifestyle years ago and as a result started to gain weight. She never once said I was ugly, but she had said (and this was in the last few years) that my husband would leave me if I did not lose some weight. I admit, I gained about 50 lbs over the last 8 years of marriage. You want to know what my honey does not care about the weight. He likes a little "junk in the trunk” and when we married I was overweight anyway. He knew that I was having were health related and wanted to lose it for that reason (he gained about the same amount as me over the years so we started on South Beach last year. In about 6 months, I lost 65lbs and he lost 50lbs. I have been stalled for the last 7 months, but have continued to eat the same way (I need to exercise more).

What I hate is how overweight people are treated. For the morbidly obese, I feel sorry for them. You do not know the reason for their weight. Not everyone eats too much. In fact, I found out last year that I have a metabolic syndrome that I have probably had since I was 12/13 (see the correlation to the weight gain) that made it hard for me to lose weight even when I tried. In college, I ate low fat, low calories and worked out 5-6 days a week. The smallest I ever wore was a 14/16. I was toned, but still large. Is being fat healthy No it’s not ‚– but it does not make you less of person or mean that you lack willpower. So stop staring and teach your children that it is not OK to make comments or stare. On the other side of the coin though, I am tired of seeing gastric bypass patients being exalted for their weight loss. Sure, they lose tons of weight– but it is from surgery– not from working at it. How about really try to diet first! I know in some cases, I have tried everything and nothing work is a fallacy. Get tested for other health issues that might contribute to your weight gain and prevent you from losing. It worked for me– but I realize I still have a long way to go. Again, in some cases, it may be the only way, but seeing people 100lbs overweight risk their life is maddening. One in 100 gastric patients die and over 75% gain their weight back in 5 years. If are 200lbs or more overweight– gastric be the right path. Be honest with yourself I had to and it was an awakening.

I will never be a size 9 I don’t even aspire to that notion. Sure, losing more weight would be good but I will not repeat the mistakes of my past to get there. So next time you see us people do not take a second glance– just walk right on by.

The funk of 40,000 years

Ever have one of those days that seems to last forever? It has been that way for a few weeks now. After a terrible 2004 and a pretty rotten 1st half of 2005, I cannot seem to get out of this funk. Would I call myself depressed – I am not sure. I function at a high level at work (because I know I have to do that), but at night and the weekends – I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Nothing seems to get and keep me happy. I know, “happiness comes from within” and that just it – I don’t think anything makes me happy anymore. Even the material things which are the foundation of my universe don’t bring me the same joy as they once did. Sure a great deal on a Kate Spade purse at the Rack gets me excited, but its short lived. My life seems empty. I have Marc and the “Kids” – but I feel like I need more. When I was going to school, that consumed so much of my time – I don’t think I had as much time to dwell on it. My work hours are pretty long at the new job (which I am enjoying), that does not leave much extra time in the evening for extra curricular. The journey to the center of my soul continues.

Tryptophan Puppies

My children have a tryptophan effect. That’s right, snuggle up with one of cute babies and you will be lulled asleep. Jay, the white one, is the worst offender. He loves the couch, love to snuggle close….within a few minutes you are snoozing right along with him.

I am reminded of the Pokeman character – Jigglypuff - she sings you to sleep and then draws all over your face. The "kids" lull you to sleep and B will proceed to get in trouble.

As winter approaches, you will find me knee deep in Shih Tzu.

BTW - ARE THEY NOT THE CUTEST DOGS EVER!

Still in the dumps

It is another day and I am still down in the dumps today. There is a lot going on right now with the new jobs and other things. My friend Heather is doing well, which makes me very happy. I am still worrying over things that I cannot control and letting disappointment in life strip away my joy. I have been praying a lot lately for peace and a return of my joy. It seems that I have not had true joy in a very long time. Time will tell.

Way down in the Dumps!

I am a little depressed right now, as there are a lot of things to be worried over right now in my life. I think the worst part in feeling down is trying to concentrate at work. Sure, I try to concentrate, but I always end up with my mind wandering off to dwell on things. I am the kind of person who worries about everything – always have been and I don’t see that changing. How many 11 year old’s have ulcers? Well, I did. I also have IBS and acid reflux, all pretty much caused by how I don’t handle stress or worry very well. At one point, a doctor suggested I drop out of college for a semester to give myself a break. I will try to keep my head up and make it through another day.

Lifetime: Television for battered or psychotic women

OK, I admit it – I watch television. I am fan of some of the makeover shows and sit-coms. One of my new faves happens to be Rescue Me on FX. What I want to know is what is up with the Lifetime network? Its television for women who get beat up, get knocked up as a kid or women down on their luck. Rarely do we see a those feel good stories where the woman is not raped, beaten or out to kill. Sure, in the end – we usually see a woman triumph over the odds. As a modern female, I am appalled! But alas, I am still drawn into tales of a childless woman who seeks revenge on those who gave her an unapproved hysterectomy (Maternal Instincts) or the young teen “keeping her baby” (Fifteen and Pregnant) … Some of my favorite television actress’ are selling their souls to Lifetime –Delta Burke, Dana Delany and Mariska Hargitay! Does this mean that after a certain age, women can only get roles on made-for-TV movies? FOR SHAME HOLLYWOOD, FOR SHAME! So rally around your slightly middle-aged actress’ and save them from Lifetime’s clutches. On the other hand, Lifetime don’t stop what you are doing…its like a train wreck, you don’t want to watch…but you do!

Welcome to my blog

I am a self-proclaimed diva who in her mind is still 24. The curvy part is obvious, so we won't talk about that. After reading more of my friends (Hey Fred and Heather) and my hubby's blog (Hey Baby), I thought that I should share my wisdom with the world. I also think I need to have a place to gripe and complain about the injustices of the world. I am easily bored, so who know where the blog will take us!

Welcome to my twisted world where it IS all about ME!